I honestly don’t know how to begin this, so here goes nothing.
You could posit that technically we all are but that’s not the point. Last year I was in a brief coma after my lung collapsed and subsequently had a transplant. For the past few months I’ve been experiencing some terrible pain and occasionally coughing up blood. I honestly didn’t think anything of it because it seemed only natural that my lung would still be adjusting, except it’s not.
I have chronic lung rejection. Yeah, chronic, funny I know. So what does that mean? Pretty much it just means that my lung worked quite suitably for the first year but after some x-rays and PT this last week the docs hit me with the news. Anywhere from 3 months to 2 years is my timeline. Unless I get another lung transplant.
I’m not asking for money or donations, I don’t want that. I’ve been told that yes I am easily at the top of the donor list, but I’ve decided to say fuck that, because you know what, why would I want to risk this happening all over again? I can’t possibly do that to my family or friends.
So here’s where I am. I’ve turned down the lung transplant, and have accepted that whatever happens happens. For all I know things could turn around, but all likelihood is slim. Like very. They said I’d be lucky if I did make it to next year, and that’s bullshit. I don’t believe that’s luck. I don’t consider myself lucky to be sitting here. Luck is getting what you want, and this isn’t luck. This is living, and being alive shouldn’t be lucky.
I know there are more important things going on this world that outweigh my story and that’s fine, if anything all I want to say is that all of you are amazing. Every single one of you, from those who are mutuals to those whom I’ve never shared a word with.
I’m thinking I’ll be taking a life sabbatical and just go on doing my daily routine as if nothing’s up. I’d like to say I have a queue set up, but honestly I don’t. I really have no idea if I’ll be back soon. Hell, I’m sitting in the hospital right now as I write this, watching the evening news. This is the life I’ve been given and I don’t think I’d change it for the world.
You’ve all been amazing. And you know what? So have I.
In parting if there is any piece of advice I could ever leave with you it’s this: find someone who makes you happy and someone you love with every fiber of your being. Find a person who you think the sun shines out of their ass and make them the first and last person you think of during the day. Let them know you love them. Be there for them and let them be there for you because one day all of this will be gone, and it’s so hard being able to see that end when it’s so close. Some things come and go, but time just goes. It’s finite and one day it’ll be gone in a second and nothing will matter so you have to appreciate all of the time you’ve been granted. Enjoy your lives, because you’ve been given a chance to be something and to do something awesome. You all have potential inside of you.
That’s the only wisdom I’ll ever be able to bestow upon you. Take it as you will.
I love you all.
I genuinely apologize for how I looked in middle school
and high school
Nice outlaw name, did your mom pick it out for you?